I want to talk about a horrible habit.

That I’ve only recently realised is actually a strategy to avoid an unreasonable fear. When I left my job running a 20-person team a few years ago, I was most excited to clear my calendar which was basically wall-to-wall day in and day out.

The weeks after leaving my job, I had a breezy few weeks.

I felt light and my days felt full of possibility. I had time again.

And yet, in 3 short weeks, I managed to reconstruct my ridiculous calendar, stacking it with calls. Why?

You might say I was trying to prove to myself that I could reconstruct my work life, outside of an organisation that I built up around myself.

Or maybe that I wanted to connect with people. After all, I was processing my transition and finding my way to what was next.

Only recently have I realised it wasn’t that at all.It was a fear. A fear I had that I couldn’t handle the responsibility of an empty calendar.

Say what?An empty calendar is a gift and a responsibility.You have to turn your time into a structured set of investments to create real value. Otherwise your time melts away and you have nothing to show for it.When our calendars are full, we can convince ourselves that we ‘did’ something. We are off the hook for translating our time into value, because we are meeting. And meeting is progress...right?So when I had the opportunity to completely reshape my work life, I flinched. I was afraid of failing myself. So I raced to fill up my calendar to symbolise progress and feel that busy energy that I could pretend was impact.

***What do you think about when you manage to clear your calendar? Do you think of yourself as available and open for more calls? Or do you trust yourself to structure that time to build things of value?